The Scones Of Salem

Lords of Salem came out in 2012 and is the latest horror movie directed by Rob Zombie. Set in modern Salem, Massachusetts, its is highly influenced by '70s satanic cult craze films such as Rosemary's Baby and Suspiria. Atmospheric and slow paced, the viewer starts to feel a bit like the protaganist, as though one is lapsing into insanity.

The movie focuses on witch trials and the plot involves bewitching the town's women. In Heidi's personal life there seems to be a bit of a love triangle and some silent commentary of the safety of single women living alone. Fittingly, the only food in the movie is Tea. Tea as in the afternoon meal, which has long been associated with femininity. The meal provides a couple of clues as to what's going on as Americans have let tea fall out of our culture since the notorious tea parties of the 1770s, it is quite strange that tea (rather than soup and gatorade) is the offering to an ill girl from her Salem born landlady and her sisters. They are possibly the original salem witches, America rejected tea 100 years after their time.

Ah, but Tea can tell us so much more. Tea itself is quite the magical beverage. In fact, there are people that make their fortune on reading the future in tea leaves. Teas have also been used in many cultures to induce psychotropic episodes (much like parts of this movie) and also as medicine. (Surely you've tried Gypsy Cold Comfort when you were desperate for sinus relief? or chamomile to sleep? Peppermint or ginger for a sour stomach?). The particular tea given to Heidi is lemon balm and has a "calming effect". It sure does keep her from leaving or stopping the violence she overhears downstairs.

As Sonny quips, more importantly, there are chocolate chip scones. Baking is indeed magical; it must be, as there are wonderful bakeries  referencing witchery in their names. Making dough, pounding it out, and then baking it is transformative. What you start with does not resemble what you end with, its doesn't even resemble what you mix up halfway through. Once its in the oven, all bets are off. Those scones are also representative of life. Heidi, with a dash of narcotics abuse, a beating down of insanity, baked to perfection until she is ultimately served up and devoured messily and then lauded by the diners. She is the scone amongst scones. And like a great dessert, disappears to wild speculation. Oh Heidi, if only you'd known you were a bag of flour when they picked you out! So easily molded and led astray.

Other consumables worth mentioning: Heroin and Wine- if those aren't potent hallucinogens with effects bordering on magic, i don't know what is. The beauty of the film is that it can be interpreted as one long drug trip or bout of insanity. Or you could take the book's route and believe it all comes down to evil witches.

And this is where I planned to put a scone recipe, pumpkin chocolate chip. I wrote this over a year ago and still haven't published it. I've been so busy at work I haven't tested recipes. So, here's some previews of scone recipe inspiration. Grab a blanket, brew some tea, any of these would make a great movie watching snack:
http://www.healthy-delicious.com/fat-free-golden-squash-biscuits/
http://minimalistbaker.com/pumpkin-sage-biscuits/

Don't forget the sugar cubes for your tea: http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2012/04/diy-sugar-cubes-homemade-sugar-cube-recipe.html

I also keep a pinterest board with my inspiration and research for this blog you can check it out here. Be warned, you may see the idea for the extra entry forming.

One day, my blog will have something to say about this.

Recently I found out I can order the famous Twin Peaks Cherry Pie. So, I did. It was indeed a cherry pie that will kill you; arrived at my door wrapped in plastic. There were about 2 yards of plastic wrap on the pie, guess they wanted to make sure it arrived fresh. I'm not sure if it was from all the wrap or if it was on purpose, but this pie had the softest crust I've ever bitten into. It was almost biscuit like, and that's what made it so good. I am not a fan of pie crust, I know its strange, but I'm just not, however, this pie crust was soft, sweet, and held up amazingly well to all of the bright red cherry slurry. My pie crust loving partner also remarked on the crust, so it isn't just crust hating weirdos like me that will appreciate it. Speaking of slurry, i may have mistyped. I couldn't think of a better word for the juicy portion, but the inside is definitely filled with plump whole cherries swimming in bright red sugary deliciousness. If you happen to be driving through North Bend, Washington, or simply live nearby, you should definitely stop into Twede's Cafe and try it. And if you don't live in Washington, well, shipping costs less than a plane ticket in most places.


While Twin Peaks is a show that can stand up to time, to really appreciate it, you have to imagine time before tv was in the renaissance it is in now. Remember the second rate cgi relegated to the television world, the convoluted plot lines to stretch the time limit. Cinematic landscapes a la Walking Dead season 1 didn't exist outside of movieland. Soap Operas ruled the day. Indeed, a soap opera plays in the background of many episodes of Twin Peaks, mirroring the plot of the show. It was a good television show in a time when television wasn't known as good. Dale Cooper put a positive and mystical spin on the disallusion the 90s generation felt.



Cherry Pie is known as an American dessert. Just as Twin Peaks is a small town with a twist, Cherry Pie is the American dessert with character. Its a raunchier pie than apple, often used as innuendo for female sexuality (see: Warrant 1990 Sweet Cherry Pie). Laura Palmer isn't the clean innocent girl she first appears to be, nor is her grieving father; cherry pie is messier and more likely to stain than apple. In 1967, activist H. Rap Brown said, "Violence is a part of America’s culture. It is as American as cherry pie." That perfect flaky crust encloses a messy interior, much as the surface of small town American life hides the struggles and secrets of generations of hidden violence and broken dreams. Its a damn fine slice of life indeed. A little flaky, very sweet, and messy as can be.

Pumpkin Beer Round Up

I made it a goal this year to try every pumpkin beer I could find. November is about to start and I don't think I've even made it halfway through. However, I've got big enough pile of bottles to recycle that I might start forgetting what they taste like if I continue. Here's a picture of almost all of them together:

Impressive, no? Rest assured, I did not drink these all in one night. They were all tried on separate occasions, both alone and with food. The food was usually pizza and/or candy. I was going for a "what would you eat at a halloween party"vibe to the tasting. While I didn't have enough foresight to take detailed notes on the food pairings, below is a rough guide to what you an expect from each of these beers. If the food pairing stood out, i mention it, but in most cases, it didn't make a difference:



Buffalo Bill: In Silence of the Lambs, Buffalo Bill is a pretty heinous dude who likes to abduct women and parade around in their skin, literally. He's one of the many fictionalized versions of Ed Gein. The original pumpkin beer, however, is much friendlier. Once upon a time this was the only pumpkin beer available and it is still available year round. For nostalgia's sake it has a special place in my heart as the first pumpkin I ever tried. Its a drinkable beer with a hint of pumpkin pie spice. It can get overpowering once you have more than one.

Blue Moon: This is not a favorite. Its a lot like Buffalo Bill's without the nostalgia. There is a somewhat citrusy edge to it. The pumpkin overpowers the beer. For those that aren't big beer drinkers, but want pumpkin in their alcohol, this is probably the safest bet.







Dogfish Head Punkin Ale: The label art is really cool on this one. The beer is on the darker side and definitely geared toward the craft beer drinker. Dark and spicy and somehow both bitter and sweet. The pumpkin is nicely balanced. This is just a really nice beer, its great alone or with anything you're eating. Not recommended for those who don't like dark beers. The only downside is that you only get 4 in a pack, but you probably won't want to share anyway.




Shipyard Smashed Pumpkin "Pugsley's Signature Series"- I did not bother to try shipyard's regular pumpkin beer. I've had it in the past and I am not a fan. It has this strange aftertaste, like too much clove. However, I was told by a friend that this version is delicious, like "pumpkin pie in a bottle". While this is better than the regular Shipyard offering, that stange taste is still present. This is one of the beers on the sweeter side, heavily spiced, with a higher alcohol content at 9%. I was disappointed to find out that they were not referencing Pugsley Addams, but rather the name of the brewmaster, although, I think Pugsley Addams would like this beer.





Midnight Sun Brewing Company: Treat, Imperial Pumpkin Porter: Pumpkin and Cocoa- you can't get much more Halloween themed than that. This is a heavy beer. Drink this beer on its own. It was too dark for me, too intense, however, if you're into that it will totally pull you in. Layers of pumpkin, cocoa nibs, and spices create a depth of flavor that can't be found in any of the other pumpkin brews i've tried. This beer is so intense its distracting. Its worth a try for the serious beer drinker; definitely not light drinking.








Anderson Valley: Pinchy Cheek Barl: I loved this one. Its on the sweet side and has this funky whiskeyness to it. It is aged in bourbon barrels, and the bourbon comes on strong. Carbonation is light and makes for a smooth drinking experience. Bourbon Pumpkin Pie in a bottle.









Timmermans Pumpkin Lambicus: I am new to sour beers, but I'm really digging this one. Its tart and spicy. I ate caramels with it, they were such a good pair i was layering a bite of caramel with a drink of beer. This is what you should reach for when you raid the candy bowl.




Tieton Cider Works: Smoked Pumpkin Cider: Not bad, a tart cider, strong pumpkin flavor. It smells smoky but doesn't taste smoky. I love smoke, so found it disappointing on that front.




Ace: Hard Pumpkin Cider: This cider taught me that there is indeed a difference between pumpkin pie spice and apple pie spice. I had the sensation of drinking "pumpkin spiced apple". Very little to no pumpkin flavor here, but lots of spice. Its sweet enough to be mistaken for non alcoholic cider. If you like your drinks on the sweet side, this is the one for you.



Any of these would make a great companion for watching Pumpkinhead or Sleepy Hollow.  Happy Halloween!

September Box of Dread with a dash of Twilight Zone commentary

I just signed up for Box Of Dread. It's a horror subscription box; seems to be an assortment of collectibles, dvds, or magazines. I'm not really sure yet, this is my first non food related suscription box. I read that this month's theme is The Twilight Zone and I couldn't resist. At $14.00; it didn't seem to be a huge risk. I expected to find a blood spattered or black as night box, but instead the mailman handed me a fairly nondescript brown box. I suppose not everyone wants to broadcast their horror enthusiasm (but why not?). To the right is what was inside. *cat not included.

Imagine my excitement, as a food & horror blogger, when I discovered my dreadful merch was a lunchbox featuring the episode "To Serve Man." How did they know? All in all, this was a decent use of $14. A quick look on amazon reveals the lunchbox going for about $16 and the water bottle $7. I would not have sought out these items, but I'll definitely use that lunch box to transport my lunch cube around. I have a few too many water bottles, but some of the boxes came with travel coffee mugs (swap anyone?).

Speaking of To Serve Man, spoiler alert: Its a cookbook. The episode is so infamous, it is now the name of a common horror trope. And just why are we so obsessed with the idea of being farmed and eaten? Perhaps it is the simplest way to convey the survival instinct, but what really makes the idea behind "To Serve Man" so creepy, is the trickery- the idea that we are being lulled into a false sense of comfort. It makes us no more special than cows, and how insulting to be treated like a common animal. Not only are we preying on our fear of death, but also our deeply ingrained cultural emphasis on individuality and freedom. No matter that humans are living in peace, or that people depart Earth with a smile, the very concept of finding out we are not truly free is a horror in and of itself. (That and the way those meddling women like to destroy your manly, blissful ignorance.)

Would you trade happiness for freedom? Freedom for happiness? Or would you prefer not knowing?

Pyscho

You may have a heard of a little film that came out in 1960 called Psycho. In fact, I'm so sure you've heard of it, I won't bore you with the synopsis or pop culture impact it made. We're just here for the food, so let's dive right in.

Sandwiches are the primary food in this movie. When the film opens, the first line of the script is "you never did eat your lunch did you?" As Sam gets dressed and Marion lies in bed, we see an empty pitcher of water, an unopened soda pop, and an unwrapped neatly cut in half sandwich on the nightstand. The script refers to it as an egg salad sandwich. Alfred Hitchcock famously hated eggs, so it's no surprise Marion never ate her egg salad sandwich. What is a sandwich? It is a filling between two pieces of bread, fittingly, the verb 'to sandwich' means to squeeze someone or something between two other people or things, often uncomfortably- just as Marion has squeezed this romantic interlude between work and lunch. You could say Sam is sandwiched between Marion's reality and her desires; she never does eat that sandwich. They go on to discuss their relationship in food terms. The next meal will be a respectable dinner, in a house, with a framed picture of Marion's mother on the mantle, broiling a big steak.

Later, Marion meets Norman. He graciously offers dinner in his mother's house, a meal Sam couldn't fathom even with Marion's prompting. The parlor scene is my favorite. It reveals so much about each character, but also gives a glimpse of the love story that could've been if we weren't in it for the horror. This is the first real conversation we've seen so far. It seems to be the first conversation in which Marion is not preyed upon, and ogled. Norman appears carrying a tray of all American wholesomeness. A pitcher of milk, a sandwich spread. Marion admits she's overheard the argument between Norman and his mother and he shows her more consideration than Sam ever hinted at. He seems kind, shy, unassuming as he invites her into his parlor. The parlor, however, shows us things to come. Framed rapes upon the wall, birds of prey hovering overhead. He encourages her to eat while he watches, its all for her. To eat is to become satiated, becoming satiated leads to comfort and unawareness of one's surroundings. Eating means you feel safe, you are comfortable. Norman, however, keeps the advantage to himself by luring Marion into comfort, but not taking comfort for himself. She can not take advantage of him, we're not entirely sure he won't take advantage of her, if the parlor is any indication, Marion is right to 'eat like a bird', and keep her senses about her. It doesn't go unnoticed by Norman. Even without dialogue this scene is dance between two villains or two stars. Which will it be?


Marion takes a bite of ham. Do you know what's interesting about cured ham? "Its cheap really, you know needles, thread, sawdust.. the chemicals are the only thing that cost anything." Salt the pork, take a needle, thread twine through it and hang it up, then you wet your sawdust and smoke it. It could be just as interesting a hobby as taxidermy for Norman, and you can eat it too, just like Ed Gein. Marion butters her bread, clenches her hands into talons, and rips her meal into pieces. Perhaps the Crane will stuff herself.  Once again we're dealing with sandwiches- Marion sandwiched between Norman and his mother, sandwiched between Phoenix and Fairvale, between her blood family and her future family. She just can't get enough sandwiches. Only this time, she rips the sandwich into pieces before finally eating it much like "Mrs" Bates shreds Marion while preying upon her.

The film's dessert is sweet and simple candy corn. The idea of Norman Bates chewing Kandy Korn is attributed to Anthony Perkins. It is said that he wanted to chew on something to show a nervous tic, and that the candy corn made him appear as a chicken eating feed. Candy Corn is another simple, sweet, all american food. Hitchcock really wanted to get under the skin of ordinary americana. Marion and Norman are simple people with simple lives, all he had to offer was "nothing more than some sandwiches and a lot of milk." He didn't "set a fancy table but the kitchen's awful homey." Good familiar things gone sinister. The gracious hospitality and familiar eats are a big part of what makes us comfortable with Norman Bates.

If you'd something to eat while you view this classic, but feel a bit famished of bloodshed, try this sweet and smoky spread on toast. You can eat like a bird, just like Marion:




Candied Corn Gone a Little Nuts

• 1 cup almonds
• water
• juice of 1 lime
• 2 TBS olive oil
• 1-2 chipotle peppers (in adobo)
• 2 ears of corn
• small onion
• 2 TBS coconut oil
• 2 TBS maple syrup
• 1 tsp sage
• salt and pepper to taste

Soak almonds in water 1 hour or more. (If you have a high powered blender you can skip this step). Mix the coconut oil, maple syrup, and sage together. Slice onion thinly and cook over medium heat. You want to caramelize them. Leave them alone while you peel the corn and cover it in the maple syrup mixture. Pour any extra syrup right into the onions. Roast the corn in a 400 degree oven for 35-40 minutes. While that's cooking you can stir your onions every 5-10 minutes and turn the heat off when they are browned to your liking.  Drain the almonds and add them to your blender. Add the olive oil, juice of 1 lime, 1 chipotle pepper (more if you want it spicy), and 1/2 cup water. Blend until it makes a thick paste. It should resemble a cross between cream cheese and crumbled feta. Taste and adjust seasonings. Once you pull the corn out of the oven, pour any syrup that ran off  of it into your onions. Let the corn cool enough to handle. Slice it off the cob. In a small bowl, mix together the almonds, corn, and onions. Taste and add salt and pepper as needed. Serve as a dip or spread.

If you'd like some blood on the side, the spread would be delightful with a slice of ham.